I am ridiculously frustrated and unhappy right now. I have been sick and tired for so long and I just want to go home, to my own bed but I can't. My house keeps kicking me out, despite the HVAC repair. I still have hope that we can clean up the house and it will get better after the air is filtered a few more times, but this is the pits and I'm feeling done with this part already!!
I now have a respirator (about $30 at the local hardware store) that says it's good for asbestos and toxic molds. Every time I go indoors, I either wear it or feel nauseous. I sound like Darth Vader in it. It's uncomfortable, too. We just had a rush of heat and mosquitoes so the porch has been less than perfect as a back up but supposedly the heat is leaving for a few more days. I expend so much energy on just existing right now, how on earth will I have energy for anything else? This is just crazy!
I came to the horrible conclusion after returning home from some respite in the pacific northwest that I can't even take care of the Rife machine by myself in this current situation and my condition. My fragility is disgusting to me, when it isn't busy scaring me silly. I am having the internal conversations with myself that sound really pathetic and hopeless - like where can I go to live and get the help and environment I need? The answers are murky at best and I feel a bit lost lately.
I was getting really scared that I wasn't treating TBDs beyond the homeopathics and gemmos that I take. I could feel the symptoms getting worse and worse. So, I finally had a Rife session yesterday with the help of my mate, but hadn't gone for so long that I was back down to 2 minutes and have been paying for it intensely since. My pain levels have skyrocketed, I'm too dizzy to walk without something to hold onto, the stabbing pains are back in my head. I'm waking up in excruciating pain in strange places of my body (for example, my ears the other night - that was weird.) I went too far with the Rife (not surprising) and am now herxing unhappily and uncomfortably and un-bedroomed - urrrggghhh!
I want to have a life outside of this illness, but it seems to be getting harder to do instead of easier. What's up with that? My latest idea, and believe me I'm running out of them, is to install the Rife machine somewhere in the basement and just wear the respirator when I go in. After all, it's only a couple of minutes or a few seconds if I try to go daily.
Oh how I'd love someone to watch over me. Sigh...
September 13, 2013
September 6, 2013
I've got it bad and I've got it good!
I have my own Rife machine!! Yay!! A friend who has been staying with me has helped me schlepp the panels, amplifier and voltage meter outside so I can Rife with clean air, sitting at my labyrinth. Now that's just sweet!! I only used it once before I left my SBS house (sick building syndrome) for a week and a half, but jumped right back in within 12 hours of being home, and talk about liberating!! It's wonderful to have this at my fingertips and I owe so many people my unending gratitude for their generosity and support.Oh the strange things us Lymies will do to get better. Each time I hear of a new therapy, I slap the juicy vein at the bend in my elbow and say, "Snake oil? Sure!! Right here, baby!" I'll try almost anything once, usually twice just to make sure.
My return home has been seriously challenging. First blow: I received an email from my GP that I failed the test for my immune system function (I was given a pneumonia vaccine which is not a live virus, but I was unable to make antibodies.) I fear that IvIg therapy might be my next step and that's just creepy, expensive and time-consuming if it runs weekly for a year. You can read more here: Intravenous immunoglobulin I won't know more until I see my Immunologist at UVA in late October. Sigh...
Next blow: I had hoped that the coil in the HVAC would be replaced, a new UV light installed and new MERV 13 filters in place while I was away, but for various reasons, it didn't happen. I was feeling comparatively good, so I wasn't too concerned about holing up in my bedroom with my HEPA filtered air, but when I woke up the following morning I was exponentially sicker. Crazy sick. So sick that I got lost on the way to my first doctor's appointment, about 6 miles from home. I couldn't figure out where I was. All of the street names were familiar but I had no clue. Cognitive dysfunction is freakin' scary. Maybe the scariest part of this disease. Fortunately, I remembered I had a smart phone with a map (I wouldn't have been able to place myself on a paper map, but my phone knew where I was.) I was 10 minutes late to my appointment, in unbearable pain, unable to concentrate, and spent most of the next 45 minutes crying and using up her tissues.
Next blow: I drove from there to see my new Lyme doc for the latest test results. She reaffirmed my genetic markers for chronic Lyme and my inability to clear biotoxins, as she suspected. Then we went over my other test results which indicated a severe problem with my pancreas, and virtually no good bacteria in my digestive track despite the probiotics twice a day, clinical strength digestive enzymes and chewable papaya. I am unable to take in nourishment properly and that's just bad. I'm also unable to return to antibiotic therapy so the arrival of the Rife is most timely and I must admit I'm pretty scared of sliding back down the rabbit hole.
Next blow: I drove from her office to a Hampton Inn in my town to see about staying there until the HVAC is repaired which would likely be early next week. I was turned away at the front desk because I was "local" which I later learned meant they were afraid that police would have to be called because I was either a battered woman (I probably looked like one with the cane and tears) a prostitute or a drug dealer. I went home and cried angry tears and decided to not take no for an answer. The short story is that I made a reservation online and got someone there to back me up if I had a problem at the front desk. After I stayed one night I advocated for myself, wrote a letter to the manager explaining my situation and what happened, offered valid, actionable feedback using "I" statements and prepared to leave. The manager on duty came out to meet me, asked for a minute of my time, explained his policy, apologized profusely and promised to use it as a teaching moment for his staff.
Despite feeling wildly unsupported in the big mean world out there, I was able to love myself and act accordingly, so I call this one a win. And now, I invoke ease, gentleness and grace. Enough of this trial by fire stuff, already!!
August 18, 2013
Call me a canary, if you must.
I'm going to share the super good news first. My new Rife machine is all set up and functional at home. I realized that my first treatment at home was my 7th treatment (one of my deeply meaningful and heart-opening numbers. Some of you think that's weird, I know. Others of you totally get it.)
I set the timer for 3:33 (more magical numbers) after learning what 4 minutes could do and sat in a wooden rocker between the plates - pictures to follow. At some point it felt like I had been sitting there a long time and I was afraid I hadn't actually started the timer. I was going to give it a little longer and then stop if I didn't hear it. Suddenly - and this was SO weird - my brain started vibrating. What a total trip that is! Freak city!! A few seconds into that sensation, the timer went off.
The next day and a half were the best days I've had all summer and then some. I had a bit of energy, the pain was not debilitating and I was incredibly high on gratitude. I was able to go to the waterfall with my partner. It's only a 5 minute walk, but I haven't been able to do it for awhile. I still needed my cane, but it was wonderful! The day after the Rife treatment, I hit a wall at about 6 pm and the pain and fatigue washed over me again but I was still so grateful for the little respite. My ND wants me to increase the Rife times and the A-Bart but not at the same time, lest I overload my body with detritus.
I may well be over Lyme at this point, but Bartonella is alive and well within me. The problem with this co-infection is that it is an intracellular infection, hiding in a little pocket inside healthy cells. You can watch the youtube video I posted about Rife machines if you want the nitty gritty. The Rife machine is not equipped to hit all of the higher frequencies needed for Bartonella but it still covers a large percentage of the Bartonella frequencies. This little bug is tricksie. It has to be lured out of the cell to be killed. Not an easy task.
This is all incredibly fascinating to me. My body is communicating with me and I am listening. I believe my body is echoing the voice of the Earth. We need the same things, me and the spirits of nature. Toxic overload is here and the 20% of the populace that cannot clear bio-toxins (I'm among them) are the proverbial canaries. You know how important the canaries were to the miners even though that thought is all quite disgusting, so please heed the canaries!!
The last appointment I had with my ND, she told me about Sick Building Syndrome. Who knew?? Seriously, this is all new and weird to me and it seems HVACs are the common culprit. I've never had environmental issues until now but as the new Lyme doc said, the immune system can only deal with so much. Apparently it's been too busy with bio-toxins to fight the TBDs. As my readers know, I've been experimenting with air filtration, staying outside, wearing a face mask indoors, etc. It has almost eliminated my acid reflux and nausea and if either does set in, I know what to do and can nip it in the proverbial bud before I get whisked off to an ER. That is AWESOME!! Happy dance!!
Here's the uuurrrrgghhh part, however. I am at a beautiful place, a sanctuary in NC that is just amazing. I am here for an event with a friend of mine that is just incredible. One of my frame drum teachers is dying and holding a birthday party here and it has been a gorgeous time of ritual, meditation and brahmari (yogic bee buzzing.) The ownership of this gorgeous facility recently changed hands. I woke up this morning fully aware that they have a problem with their HVAC. The acid reflux and nausea kicked in right away and I got outside quickly and felt lots of gratitude for the foresight to bring a face mask so I can pack up the room. However, I don't think I'll be able to do the event today. It's only 2 hours, but I'm certain the building is sick and I don't know how to break it to the owners and for some reason, I'm afraid to be that messenger. I wouldn't be happy to hear it if I just bought a 54 acre retreat center, but I suppose I must and then let it go.
My room mate said she woke up with a swollen eye and allergies, too. What a bummer. Remediating the mold would be a huge expense for this place. Speaking of which, we got the quote for replacing our coil and adding in a UV light and it was less than I thought. I sure hope this fixes our problems with the house. That would be wonderful.
OK, that's all for now, folks! Thanks for your support!
I set the timer for 3:33 (more magical numbers) after learning what 4 minutes could do and sat in a wooden rocker between the plates - pictures to follow. At some point it felt like I had been sitting there a long time and I was afraid I hadn't actually started the timer. I was going to give it a little longer and then stop if I didn't hear it. Suddenly - and this was SO weird - my brain started vibrating. What a total trip that is! Freak city!! A few seconds into that sensation, the timer went off.
The next day and a half were the best days I've had all summer and then some. I had a bit of energy, the pain was not debilitating and I was incredibly high on gratitude. I was able to go to the waterfall with my partner. It's only a 5 minute walk, but I haven't been able to do it for awhile. I still needed my cane, but it was wonderful! The day after the Rife treatment, I hit a wall at about 6 pm and the pain and fatigue washed over me again but I was still so grateful for the little respite. My ND wants me to increase the Rife times and the A-Bart but not at the same time, lest I overload my body with detritus.
I may well be over Lyme at this point, but Bartonella is alive and well within me. The problem with this co-infection is that it is an intracellular infection, hiding in a little pocket inside healthy cells. You can watch the youtube video I posted about Rife machines if you want the nitty gritty. The Rife machine is not equipped to hit all of the higher frequencies needed for Bartonella but it still covers a large percentage of the Bartonella frequencies. This little bug is tricksie. It has to be lured out of the cell to be killed. Not an easy task.
This is all incredibly fascinating to me. My body is communicating with me and I am listening. I believe my body is echoing the voice of the Earth. We need the same things, me and the spirits of nature. Toxic overload is here and the 20% of the populace that cannot clear bio-toxins (I'm among them) are the proverbial canaries. You know how important the canaries were to the miners even though that thought is all quite disgusting, so please heed the canaries!!
The last appointment I had with my ND, she told me about Sick Building Syndrome. Who knew?? Seriously, this is all new and weird to me and it seems HVACs are the common culprit. I've never had environmental issues until now but as the new Lyme doc said, the immune system can only deal with so much. Apparently it's been too busy with bio-toxins to fight the TBDs. As my readers know, I've been experimenting with air filtration, staying outside, wearing a face mask indoors, etc. It has almost eliminated my acid reflux and nausea and if either does set in, I know what to do and can nip it in the proverbial bud before I get whisked off to an ER. That is AWESOME!! Happy dance!!
Here's the uuurrrrgghhh part, however. I am at a beautiful place, a sanctuary in NC that is just amazing. I am here for an event with a friend of mine that is just incredible. One of my frame drum teachers is dying and holding a birthday party here and it has been a gorgeous time of ritual, meditation and brahmari (yogic bee buzzing.) The ownership of this gorgeous facility recently changed hands. I woke up this morning fully aware that they have a problem with their HVAC. The acid reflux and nausea kicked in right away and I got outside quickly and felt lots of gratitude for the foresight to bring a face mask so I can pack up the room. However, I don't think I'll be able to do the event today. It's only 2 hours, but I'm certain the building is sick and I don't know how to break it to the owners and for some reason, I'm afraid to be that messenger. I wouldn't be happy to hear it if I just bought a 54 acre retreat center, but I suppose I must and then let it go.
My room mate said she woke up with a swollen eye and allergies, too. What a bummer. Remediating the mold would be a huge expense for this place. Speaking of which, we got the quote for replacing our coil and adding in a UV light and it was less than I thought. I sure hope this fixes our problems with the house. That would be wonderful.
OK, that's all for now, folks! Thanks for your support!
August 11, 2013
Honoring my donors
This is the message I posted on my GoFundMe page this morning and wanted to share the update here, too.
The Rife manufacturer was/is waiting on a part and I should be able to get the machine tomorrow. Wow. Seriously, I'm just amazed.
I've been contemplating ways of paying it forward, backward, up, down, and all around. One thing I know for sure is that I'll make mine available to people who need it or want to try it.
When I get the machine, the first thing I'm going to do is decorate it with the names of all of my donors. I want to consciously remember each one of you and send you blessings and healing of your own. Each time I use it, the radio waves will pass through your names and if you believe in the power of a name - well, all of you should be feeling surprisingly more healthy soon!
I've been doing more reading on Rife treatments for cancer and it's fascinating. I've sent an email to the manufacturer to see if those frequencies are covered in my machine and if they are - well, that's a freaking amazing power to possess and I'll definitely share it with people in the cancer community who need it or would like to try it.
My head is still spinning with gratitude. Photos to follow!!
The Rife manufacturer was/is waiting on a part and I should be able to get the machine tomorrow. Wow. Seriously, I'm just amazed.
I've been contemplating ways of paying it forward, backward, up, down, and all around. One thing I know for sure is that I'll make mine available to people who need it or want to try it.
When I get the machine, the first thing I'm going to do is decorate it with the names of all of my donors. I want to consciously remember each one of you and send you blessings and healing of your own. Each time I use it, the radio waves will pass through your names and if you believe in the power of a name - well, all of you should be feeling surprisingly more healthy soon!
I've been doing more reading on Rife treatments for cancer and it's fascinating. I've sent an email to the manufacturer to see if those frequencies are covered in my machine and if they are - well, that's a freaking amazing power to possess and I'll definitely share it with people in the cancer community who need it or would like to try it.
My head is still spinning with gratitude. Photos to follow!!
August 7, 2013
A Fundraising Success Story - Already!!
I am flabergasted, pixilated with gratitude and wildly amazed at the response from so many of my beloved friends (and at least one person I've never met) who quickly contributed to my fundraising effort. I checked my GoFundMe website http://www.gofundme.com/Healing-Hearth-for-Willow just before writing this post and saw that I have already received $2200! I messaged the vendor yesterday and learned that I need exactly $2309 including taxes, so I'm buying my own Rife machine today. I still can't believe it. I'm not sure when I'll be able to pick it up. She wrote it would take a couple of days, but I'll find out for sure when I see her this afternoon for Rife treatment #6 ~ which will definitely be back down to the 3:33 time and we'll see if I get back to the old pattern: Rife day I'm wiped out, I herx for 2 days after that, then get a blast of energy the 4th day. I kind of liked that semi-dependable cycle so I could make plans with less flaking out.
Fundraising for myself is pushing a whole lot of my embarrassment buttons. Asking for help hasn't been my strong point historically, but financial help - well, there's some kind of unspoken taboo here, some sort of societal stench, or something I can't quite name. Perhaps I am afraid of appearing (or being, for that matter) desperate. I'm not sure what delightful lesson my shadow self has in store for me. I can tell something is trying to make its way from my subconscious to my conscious mind; an important lesson, memory or awareness bubbling up. Maybe its an outmoded defense response, a buried fear, a hidden wound, a self-defeating belief. As of yet, I do not know, but I'll open, listen and ask for dreams to show me the way.
I have come to adore shadow work. With Pluto in my first house, I've had to get used to it! This energy I'm experiencing, the button-pushing, triggering, uncomfortable squirm is like being at the beginning of a treasure hunt, already knowing there's an amazing reward and if I stick to the quest, I'll even get the treasure!! Now, who wouldn't want to embark on an exfrighting journey like that? Plunging into the deep, dark depths of my mind for a shining gem. Worth it!!
So dear ones, thanks for the money, the prayers, good wishes, love, and of course, thanks for the opportunity to do more shadow-stalking!! Bwaaaahaaa! I'll keep you posted if it's fit for public consumption - and maybe even if it isn't. Thanks again to all who support me in myriad ways. I love you and would be lost without you! Blessed Be!
P.S. The number of blog views from Latvia is increasing daily, more than doubling US hits today. What's up with that? If you are a reader from Latvia, please post a comment and let me and my readers know what's going on. I'm very curious.
Just for fun, here are this weeks stats as of now:
And, here are this months stats as of now:
Fundraising for myself is pushing a whole lot of my embarrassment buttons. Asking for help hasn't been my strong point historically, but financial help - well, there's some kind of unspoken taboo here, some sort of societal stench, or something I can't quite name. Perhaps I am afraid of appearing (or being, for that matter) desperate. I'm not sure what delightful lesson my shadow self has in store for me. I can tell something is trying to make its way from my subconscious to my conscious mind; an important lesson, memory or awareness bubbling up. Maybe its an outmoded defense response, a buried fear, a hidden wound, a self-defeating belief. As of yet, I do not know, but I'll open, listen and ask for dreams to show me the way.
I have come to adore shadow work. With Pluto in my first house, I've had to get used to it! This energy I'm experiencing, the button-pushing, triggering, uncomfortable squirm is like being at the beginning of a treasure hunt, already knowing there's an amazing reward and if I stick to the quest, I'll even get the treasure!! Now, who wouldn't want to embark on an exfrighting journey like that? Plunging into the deep, dark depths of my mind for a shining gem. Worth it!!
So dear ones, thanks for the money, the prayers, good wishes, love, and of course, thanks for the opportunity to do more shadow-stalking!! Bwaaaahaaa! I'll keep you posted if it's fit for public consumption - and maybe even if it isn't. Thanks again to all who support me in myriad ways. I love you and would be lost without you! Blessed Be!
P.S. The number of blog views from Latvia is increasing daily, more than doubling US hits today. What's up with that? If you are a reader from Latvia, please post a comment and let me and my readers know what's going on. I'm very curious.
Just for fun, here are this weeks stats as of now:
Latvia
|
115
|
United States
|
57
|
Canada
|
26
|
Germany
|
16
|
United Kingdom
|
5
|
Netherlands
|
4
|
China
|
3
|
Hong Kong
|
1
|
Russia
|
1
|
And, here are this months stats as of now:
United States
|
161
|
Latvia
|
115
|
Russia
|
52
|
Canada
|
48
|
Germany
|
19
|
United Kingdom
|
14
|
Serbia
|
14
|
Netherlands
|
10
|
Switzerland
|
6
|
Italy
|
4
|
August 6, 2013
30 Seconds = 3 days? Are you kidding me?
Well in case you've been wondering how Rife date #5 went, let's just say it's taken me a week to be able to get to the point of telling you how it went. Sigh... Oh, wait! I mean *happy dance*!
You know that pattern I mentioned a couple of posts ago? Well, I blew it. There's an old saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I think the 3:33 timing of the previous couple of dates was the sweet spot, so to speak. It was enough to herx, but not herx-like-I-want-to-die herx. That has been the aim according to my MD and ND - treat just below that line of the awful herxheimers.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to add 30 seconds on that last trip. I guess partly because my ND wants me doing something like 7 minutes a day, and partly because I'm fiercely determined and partly because I didn't think it would make that much of a difference. Wow, was I ever wrong and I have such regrets about making that decision. Mostly because I missed out on a Lammas ritual that I was really looking forward to on Saturday night. I had thought: tired Wednesday, icky on Thursday and Friday, energy rush and good to go on Saturday. But those 30 seconds cost me 3 days of activity and I'm still paying for it in the pain department with these weird, breath-taking, shooting pains in my fingers, toes, head and hips and the RLS (restless leg syndrome) has brought me to the verge of tears a few nights.
That treatment was last Wednesday. Today is Tuesday and I'm just now getting the energy rush I expected. My next Rife date is tomorrow and I'll be dropping back down to 3:33. I still have not been able to increase the A-Bart, but I'm OK with that. 4 drops a day is A-OK. I'm thoroughly exfrighted - I'm ordering my Rife machine today. I have raised some money on the GoFundMe website and my mom mailed a check to me to reimburse me for travel expenses. The combo is about $100 more than the machine, so I'm doing it!! I can't believe it. Surreal. Exciting. My next appointment with my ND is on the 12th and my MD, not until September. Although I'm impatient and want to get on with it, at least I can actually DO something with the Rife while I await my next appointment. Sweet.
And finally, now I'm curious why Latvia is taking the lead in my blog readers this week. If anyone from Latvia is willing to post a comment, please do. Let me know what is happening in the culture of TBDs and the medical scene where you are.
You know that pattern I mentioned a couple of posts ago? Well, I blew it. There's an old saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I think the 3:33 timing of the previous couple of dates was the sweet spot, so to speak. It was enough to herx, but not herx-like-I-want-to-die herx. That has been the aim according to my MD and ND - treat just below that line of the awful herxheimers.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to add 30 seconds on that last trip. I guess partly because my ND wants me doing something like 7 minutes a day, and partly because I'm fiercely determined and partly because I didn't think it would make that much of a difference. Wow, was I ever wrong and I have such regrets about making that decision. Mostly because I missed out on a Lammas ritual that I was really looking forward to on Saturday night. I had thought: tired Wednesday, icky on Thursday and Friday, energy rush and good to go on Saturday. But those 30 seconds cost me 3 days of activity and I'm still paying for it in the pain department with these weird, breath-taking, shooting pains in my fingers, toes, head and hips and the RLS (restless leg syndrome) has brought me to the verge of tears a few nights.
That treatment was last Wednesday. Today is Tuesday and I'm just now getting the energy rush I expected. My next Rife date is tomorrow and I'll be dropping back down to 3:33. I still have not been able to increase the A-Bart, but I'm OK with that. 4 drops a day is A-OK. I'm thoroughly exfrighted - I'm ordering my Rife machine today. I have raised some money on the GoFundMe website and my mom mailed a check to me to reimburse me for travel expenses. The combo is about $100 more than the machine, so I'm doing it!! I can't believe it. Surreal. Exciting. My next appointment with my ND is on the 12th and my MD, not until September. Although I'm impatient and want to get on with it, at least I can actually DO something with the Rife while I await my next appointment. Sweet.
And finally, now I'm curious why Latvia is taking the lead in my blog readers this week. If anyone from Latvia is willing to post a comment, please do. Let me know what is happening in the culture of TBDs and the medical scene where you are.
August 3, 2013
If you want to help
In earlier posts, I've mentioned a handful of dear friends who offered to spearhead a fundraiser for me to get a Rife machine, re-mediate our mold problem and recoup some of my crazy medical costs over the last 18 months. Well, we finally launched the website and if you're inclined to make a donation, it's just a couple of clicks away.
While this is making me wildly uncomfortable - asking for money - I feel like I owe it to my spouse to ease his burdens while I get to have the best health care possible guilt-free. If I can just successfully swallow (and digest! I know all-too-well how important THAT is!) my pride, I think it's a win-win situation.
Thanks to my fundraising team for gently prodding me, encouraging me, loving me, and making this easier. You're amazing!!
Donate here if you are so inclined. My partner and I would greatly appreciate any gift, no matter the amount.
While this is making me wildly uncomfortable - asking for money - I feel like I owe it to my spouse to ease his burdens while I get to have the best health care possible guilt-free. If I can just successfully swallow (and digest! I know all-too-well how important THAT is!) my pride, I think it's a win-win situation.
Thanks to my fundraising team for gently prodding me, encouraging me, loving me, and making this easier. You're amazing!!
Donate here if you are so inclined. My partner and I would greatly appreciate any gift, no matter the amount.
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