I'm not having fun yet.

I am ridiculously frustrated and unhappy right now. I have been sick and tired for so long and I just want to go home, to my own bed but I can't. My house keeps kicking me out, despite the HVAC repair. I still have hope that we can clean up the house and it will get better after the air is filtered a few more times, but this is the pits and I'm feeling done with this part already!!

I now have a respirator (about $30 at the local hardware store) that says it's good for asbestos and toxic molds. Every time I go indoors, I either wear it or feel nauseous. I sound like Darth Vader in it. It's uncomfortable, too. We just had a rush of heat and mosquitoes so the porch has been less than perfect as a back up but supposedly the heat is leaving for a few more days. I expend so much energy on just existing right now, how on earth will I have energy for anything else? This is just crazy! 

I came to the horrible conclusion after returning home from some respite in the pacific northwest that I can't even take care of the Rife machine by myself in this current situation and my condition. My fragility is disgusting to me, when it isn't busy scaring me silly. I am having the internal conversations with myself that sound really pathetic and hopeless - like where can I go to live and get the help and environment I need? The answers are murky at best and I feel a bit lost lately. 

I was getting really scared that I wasn't treating TBDs beyond the homeopathics and gemmos that I take. I could feel the symptoms getting worse and worse. So, I finally had a Rife session yesterday with the help of my mate, but hadn't gone for so long that I was back down to 2 minutes and have been paying for it intensely since. My pain levels have skyrocketed, I'm too dizzy to walk without something to hold onto, the stabbing pains are back in my head. I'm waking up in excruciating pain in strange places of my body (for example, my ears the other night - that was weird.) I went too far with the Rife (not surprising) and am now herxing unhappily and uncomfortably and un-bedroomed - urrrggghhh!

I want to have a life outside of this illness, but it seems to be getting harder to do instead of easier. What's up with that? My latest idea, and believe me I'm running out of them, is to install the Rife machine somewhere in the basement and just wear the respirator when I go in. After all, it's only a couple of minutes or a few seconds if I try to go daily.

Oh how I'd love someone to watch over me. Sigh...